刚才吃完饭，买了杯酸奶，回到宿舍站在阳台上慢悠悠地一小勺一小勺喝，想起以前下午也是差不多这个时候站在教室走廊上喝同种酸奶的时刻。想起那时候阳光照在石楼走廊上护栏上的角度和颜色，想起篮球场上的噪音，想起有人喜欢拍下的夕阳和云彩，甚至想起某一次我穿的衣服和风吹起头发的方向，唯一想不起的是，那时我想的一切。有许多遗忘我无法阻止，就像人阻止不了死亡。原来酸奶和阳光比抓不住的思维要有意义的多。

马上就要十一月了，终于等来天气预报说有冷空气来临，这闷热的鬼天气总算要到头了，希望冷风能赶走我的持续性低迷情绪。昨晚两点都没睡着，做了一个好长好长好混乱的梦，觉得都能把一个人的一生都梦完了，结果早上居然六点半就完全清醒再也睡不着了。真不知道我的生活到底哪里出了什么错，只是知道有地方不对劲，做每一件应该做的事时总觉得是在无所事事。

在食堂看到辩论队的广告“生活处处可辩”，此情此景，我想到的是为什么总有那么多人吃饱了撑着，多么宝贵的生命和时间啊，怎么就要浪费那么大一部分在无意义的话语上呢，我沉默。AND,发现用CHROME无法正常显示SPACE的编辑界面，以前用SAFARI也有相似的问题，虽然我爱GOOGLE,我爱APPLE,我不爱MICROSOFT,但是，你们能不能不要有事没事就来个互相不兼容，幼稚啊！

微凉的季节，寂静的的房间，不愿藏入被窝，逃不出奔跑的梦与情绪。绮丽的片段又一次流淌在时间的间隙，如纳博科夫收藏的蝴蝶在天花板看不见地飞舞。

想起《白色城堡》，一个关于两个男人交换人生的童话。想起《告别圆舞曲》，一曲关于美的颂歌，那些燃烧的枫叶仍让我激动。想起《巴黎的忧郁》，穿越时空，一个孤独的灵魂闯入梦中。想起《野棕榈》，仿佛听见阴冷的风掠过干燥叶片的声音。是不是，所有的故事不管多么离奇，都要比历史真诚？是不是，有一个永恒的象征，有一天我们会在瞬间消融？

“带我走，去远方，此地，土俱是泪！”也许，我们永远向往的都是不可及的远方；也许，所有的土地都浸满泪水；也许，即便走到世界尽头，依然觉得无处为家……

梦里游历过很多房子，弗洛伊德说，房子象征人心或女人，那些旋转的楼梯，想把我引向何处？

Thursday 1 July 1819, Shanklin, Isle of wight

My dearest Lady,

…Ask yourself my love whether you are very cruel to have so entrammelled me, so destroyed my freedom.

Will you confess this in the Letter you must write immediately and do all you can to console me in it — make it rich as a draught of poppies to intoxicate me — write the softest words and kiss them that I may at least touch my lips where yours have been.

For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a form: I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair.  I almost wish we were butterflies and lived but three summer day — three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

But however selfish I may feel, I am sure I could never act selfishly:  as I told you a day or two before I left Hampstead, I will never return to London if my Fate does not turn up Pam [ the knave of clubs ] or at least a Court- card.  Though I could centre my Happiness in you I cannot expect to engross your heart so entirely — indeed if I thought you felt as much for me as I do for you at this moment I do not think I could restrain myself from seeing you again tomorrow for the delight of one embrace.

But no — I must live upon hope and Chance.  In case of the worst that can happen, I shall still love you — but what hatred I shall have for another!

 

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 今天看到电影BRIGHT STAR的介绍，突然很想看